If You Really Knew Me

Hi,

My name is Jessica, I am 25 years old, and a single mom of a 4 year old boy.
I love to dance, smile and hang out with friends. I am almost always in a good mood.

But if you really knew me, you would know that I suffer from Bi-polar disorder.
I spend most of my days and nights in tears when no one is around

You would know that the smile on my face is there for show
You would know that the people in my life are there for show
You would know that I trust no one
You would know that I do not let people into my life
You would know i am scared to be left alone and abandoned
You would know about all the pain the suffering I deal with daily.
You would know that I attempted suicide when I was in high school twice
You would know that I was raped
You would know that I have been abused, sexually, mentally, verablly, and emotionally
You would know that I was beaten up regularly in school
You would know that I was a cutter for almost 10 years

You would know what I feel when I look into my little boys eyes and hold him close
You would know I would do whatever it takes to make my little boy happy
You would know that I feel as if my son's father not being a part of his life is my fault
You would know that it hurts to know I cant give him the one this he needs the most
You would know the pain I endure of him

You would know that I dont look at myself in the mirror
You would know what I really think of myself
You would know that I never want to get out of bed
You would know I eat because I am depressed

You would know that more then anything I just want to be loved

A New Year...Started The Same

Do you ever feel like your life in on repeat and your just walking through your day to day without anything new of exciting happening?

That's how I have been feeling for a long time now and I am not sure how to fix these repitions.

I knwo that the only way to stop the repition is to not alow it to happen anymore. When I see the pattren starting all over again I need to run in a different direction and not look back. That may take all my stregth and ability but its something that needs to be done. I thought that last year by going to school that all these wonderful doors would open and my life would start moving in the direction that I always thought and felt that it should go but instead I am right back to where I started before spending 24 thousand dollars on school.

I am still sitting infornt of my computer typing to whom ever may read it, in hopes that I am able to reach one person to make them feel as if they are not alone. to make them feel like there is something more in the life. To help someone see that other people out there have it worse and are still standing strong.

I am thankful for all the hardships that I have had to face in my life because I know that it has made me a stronger better person then I would have been. I know that I am able to look into my past and see my learning curves and make sure I choose a different path.

Robert Frost once said

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I look to that poem when I need a reminder of where I came from and where I want to go in life. I am still travelling down my road thats less travelled, I have picked up a few followers along my way made life long friendships and i have lost a few. Still I trudge forward in hopes that something worth all this fight will fall out of the woods and I will smile and be happy that I chose this path.